John Mayer, shirtless and all, graces the cover of Rolling Stone magazine on stands now, rolling off of his silver tongue is this:

His endless masturbation:

I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself."

On the woman he's looking for:

Aren't we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? …I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it."

Jennifer Aniston

I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f—ing fantastic, if I said to her, ?I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.”

So if you spell John Mayer backwards what do you find? Douchbag-zilla is what you'll find. As Lainey Gossip says…It’s not that John Mayer can’t find the right woman. It’s that every woman isn’t HIM. We couldn't agree more. 

Appears JM agrees with us that he's a douch… he read his own article in RS and here's what he had to say about it via his tweeter,

“Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I'm still not sure if I would want to hang out with me”

he continued

“After 30 minutes of twirling my hair into a knot, I say "fuck it.” You can't go wrong if you tell the truth."

Which celeb female would you hook JM up with?